I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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