Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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