Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
