I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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