Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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