Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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