my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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