She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
