I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
