Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
