I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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