I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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