i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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