i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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