yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
This baby is an asshole
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
