zippers are such a cool invention
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize