I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
