Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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