Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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