I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
