she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
