I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
