You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
