Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
