Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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