he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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