I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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