She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
