you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
