his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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