my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
