I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
someone threw a dead crab at me
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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