it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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