Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
