You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
