i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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