Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
