Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
