I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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