You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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