So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
