cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
what day is it and did you see me today?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
