I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
