meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
