Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
