im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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