I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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