Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
