Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize