Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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