Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
