You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
