apparently the secret to your success is patron
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
