i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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