I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We're not piercing ourselves today.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
