I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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