how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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