I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i permit you to call me
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
