You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
