Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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