I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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